The Difference Between Then and Now

It’s been just over 4 weeks since we brought our beautiful baby girl into the world and held her as she slipped away into Jesus’ arms. So much joy and so much sadness was wrapped into such a short period of time. It almost feels like a bad dream—that I’ll wake up and things will be different.

Grief is so strange. You’ll be fine one second, and then the next, you’re right back to the starting line. I think it’s important to embrace these moments. I think it’s important to feel all the feelings associated with this type of loss, but I also think our sweet girl deserves all the joy of the world as well. It’s easy to try and diminish what happened because of the sadness and pain surrounding it, but our baby girl lived a short and beautiful life, and she deserves to be honored in that way. I have so much to share in the future, simply in hopes that we can be a light to others going through similar situations. But, for now, these small offerings are all I have.

Evie changed both of us the second we saw her. We saw a glimpse of heaven in her that we had never seen before. She was truly the closest thing to Jesus I’ve ever seen. And, because of that, our lives are changed forever. I don’t care as much what people think anymore. Things that I thought were important are seemingly insignificant now. The character of our family and friends was truly revealed during this time. We have never felt so loved. And still, there’s a heaviness in my steps that wasn’t there before. I hope that goes away with time as we look towards what’s next for us.

I don’t know much. I don’t understand why these things happen. I don’t understand why one minute I’m okay and the next, I’m overwhelmed with so much emotion, it’s hard to stand on my own two feet. I don’t know what’s next for us, but I do know this—our baby girl, in her short, beautiful life, had such an impact on everyone she met. She gave me a new heart and took a piece of it with her simultaneously. She gave me new eyes to see the world. In all the confusion surrounding everything that unfolded, she gave me clarity about what really matters here. But, most of all, she gave us the greatest gift that we had been praying for—to become parents.

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